Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
