i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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