i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
