Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
