she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
