We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
