Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
They have beer where we have blood.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
