Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
