Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
