Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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