I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I'm passing your future prison.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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