the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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