I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
