So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Randomize
