I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
