her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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