Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
