btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
