these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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