my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
