She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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