Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
