So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
