Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
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