you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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