I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
