after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Watching her eat just hurts me
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
