I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
