Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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