if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
