Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
