hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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