On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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