So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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