mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
