apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
