when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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