what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
