I just pynch a tree in the face
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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