Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
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