Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
