so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize