I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize