I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
