yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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