sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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