I'll bet she douches with gravy.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
