I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
