you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
