ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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