he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
