Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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