Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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