Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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