some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
