every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
