I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
