Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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