My friends, they love my intelligence
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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