While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
