its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize