I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
